'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.
I am bad and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I would rather be than me.
Live long and prosper - Spock.
A Father’s Facebook post on his deceased son’s timeline:
"Letter to my Son:
In two weeks it will be your 20th birthday, John but I doubt there will be much celebration, if any at all, around the house on that day.
We were planning to have your headstone installed on your birthday but we still have not heard from the monument company as to the arrival of the granite we chose for you. It looks like it might not be here in time. We still plan to come and see you, son, although I don’t know just what we are going to do on your day.
I was looking forward to your 21st birthday next year so you and I could go out have a beer together at the bar. Remember when you used to pick me up at the karaoke place, and the one time I had you get up there and perform? I don’t think they knew you weren’t of age, but it was something that made me happy. I was so proud of you, Johnnie.
I have been going to visit you at the cemetery and have had a beer with you on several occasions out there – it’s the best I can do. I’ll be happy when we finally get your headstone in place; we’ll have a beer together then also.
Oh, John, my heart has been ripped from my being! You were my only child, my son, and now you are gone! Even your child, my grandson, is not to be! I cannot express the heartache, the sorrow that I am bearing these six months, and it will continue throughout the rest of my life. You were part of me; now, my dreams for you are but shattered glass.
Your life was so short, John, and it is my fault, my sin. God let me know years ago that you would be taken from me, but I had forgotten that over time. He did use you as a vessel, a bearer of light, and for that I am thankful. You touched so many lives. You did more in the three years of your ministry for others than most folks do their entire life, including me, your poor excuse of a father.
I cannot stop the daily weeping, the tears, over losing you. All the stuff I was going to do, talk about and share with you now are but whispers in the wind. So much of whom and what I was died with you, John, there is not much left, except a tired old man who wants to see your work continue.
I shall finish your book, John, if God will so allow it. I have failed in so much, and would have gladly exchanged my life for yours on that morning, son. Oh, how I wish you were with people who were really and sincerely close to you and not with strangers, but such is fate, and we can’t change what happened. I am not angry, bear no malice, but am crushed emotionally. No one there to help you, but it was, I know, meant to be so.
It will be your birthday soon, John. I remember all the early parties we had for you and how I decorated each cake of yours the first five years. Ashley just celebrated her 20th birthday also and your friends came over and we had cake and beer and she got flowers and balloons. And now, in just two weeks, you will be twenty also. I’ll be there, John, and you and I will have a beer and maybe some balloons too. I loved you son, more than you knew. You were my pride and joy. Via con Dios, my son. See you soon.”
This too shall pass, even if that sounds corny and cliche. Your anxiety will subside, you are not dying, you will not die from this, everything is going to be fine. Keep taking deep breaths, try and stay focused.
You are valid and your emotions are valid. You are a good, strong person, even if you don't feel like you are right now. Things DO get better, and I know you can get through this.
Your body, your life, your bedroom. You choose what you do with it, and I get no say in the matter, because I am not you. I'll respect you no matter what.
The sun also rises. For all your bad days, weeks, or longer-- you also have good ones just beyond the horizon. You know better than anyone what it means to finally hit those "highs" in your life, and I hope that you just keep growing and strengthening yourself through your treatment to extend those happy moments.
This is your body and I'll never pass judgement over you for the things you choose to do with it. However, you should really consider speaking with a counselor about this. Not because you're "bad", but because I just want you to be safe.
It's okay to eat, you have permission. Eating will not make you fat, ugly, or worthless. Eating will make you strong, healthy, and lively. You deserve to eat, you deserve happiness.
What they did was wrong, and you had no consenting part in it. You have no need to feel guilty or shamed, although I understand that may be exactly how you are feeling right now. They're the ones at fault here, and the ball is entirely in your court if you choose to report them for that, which you are rightfully entitled to do.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are valuable and your existence is valuable. There are billions of people on this planet, and even if you think everyone hates you and no one cares, they do and they will. You can find so many friends and loved ones if you just allow yourself the time to look for them. The world turns out to be a beautiful place and you deserve to be alive to see that.
What they did was vile and disgusting. Yes, you're now left with this horrible, traumatic event to move on from, but your life is not entirely lost. Recovery is possible, and an unfortunately large number of people have to go through that-- but they make it to the other side. So can you, you can do this. You're not dirty, you're not a "slut" or a "whore", you are a human being whose rights were violated. But you are strong, and I know you can move past this in due time.
I'll always love you no matter who you are. I only hope the absolute best for you during your recovery and treatment, and maybe one day I'll be so privileged as to love you as one whole.
The pain of suddenly reliving horrific events is almost unimaginable for me. Please try and remember that although it feels like it's real and it's happening right now, that it's not. You are okay, you are fine, and you are safe. You are in the present here and now, and that past can't manifest itself again to come and physically hurt you. Everything is just fine, these feelings will pass and you're going to be okay.
I am real and I can promise you that. I care. Try and find something grounding for you, an object that you can cling to to help you distinguish between whether or not you're hallucinating. You are not a freak, you are not a monster. You're a human being with rights and emotions who happens to be ill right now.
I saw the what "not" to say post and had to make my own variant of that. I lava you <3